The Power of
the Loop
I decided to
quit smoking recently. Cigarettes were the only addiction
I had, remaining. I’d given up drugs, I’d given
up alcohol, I had learned how to stop denying my feelings,
I had done a lot of consciousness-work and so I really believed
that giving up cigarettes was going to be easy.
I had tried many, many times before to rid myself of this habit. This addiction
had held me tighter than anything I had ever been addicted to before in my
entire life. My mind told me over and over again, you can do this, “piece
of cake, it would be so easy if you would simply stop resisting.”
I finally decided to try a Chinese acupuncturist.
The pain of the needles entering my ears should have been,
in and of itself, enough to keep me away from cigarettes
for the rest of my life: and, the amount of money I spent
on this process and on the preparations of healing herbs
that my body needed for several months afterwards, was exorbitant
enough that this also should have been incentive enough to
never pick up another cigarette in my life.
Everything went beautifully for two
weeks because I had little needles placed in my ears that blocked
the nicotine receptors. Now, in that two-week period, I began
to see very clearly the process of my addiction. Having the
nicotine receptors blocked removed the craving the cigarettes,
and I realized that behind the craving, lay a loop. A loop
that kept moving back and forth upon itself habitually.
A loop that had no relevancy whatsoever to anything in
my present reality; a loop, nonetheless, that kept me powerless
within a repetitious and meaningless behavior.
I understand at this point that what we call addiction, the cigarettes, the drugs, the alcohol, are a result, a screen of sorts, that keeps us from seeing the addiction itself. What I realize is that an addiction is a loop, that hides behind the craving. It is present to hide something from ourselves. The something that the addiction hides from ourselves, is a possibility that we have learned to deny, and aspects of ourselves that need to be integrated into our present reality so that we be present within authentic power.
Now, one would think that just being aware of this loop would instantly make it very easy to break the addiction. Becoming aware of the loop made it even more difficult, because, the loop was made up of feeling and attachments to experiences in my past; and, the more aware I allowed myself to become of the loop, the more intensely I had to feel.
When I looked in the mirror at myself, I appeared at least five years older.
The stress on my face was unbelievable, because what I was dealing with was very
deep. I was dealing with the core addiction, the core pattern that had given
rise to all the other patterns that had confused me and allowed me to draw chaos
to myself my entire life. I had woven my way through the minor patterns. Now
I was dealing with the pattern. I was tired, I was irritable, I wanted a cigarette
in the worst way. I wish I could say that I was so strong that I resisted the
temptation to this day. I can't say this. I can't say this because I relapsed
and I had a cigarette; and, within four drags on that cigarette, I was in the
bathroom, throwing up, because my body revolted against the poison I was putting
into it. I felt high, uncomfortably high, like my head was leaving my shoulder,
and I vowed never again to have another cigarette.
And still I wish I could say form that point on I was powerful and strong and did not give way to temptation, however, that would not be the truth. Because a week or so later, I found myself smoking with a friend, and I had a total of four cigarettes. The next day I woke up feeling drugged, with a headache, my head feeling as though it was stuffed with cotton, and just plain miserable. And now I can say from that day fourth, I have not had another cigarette. I cannot say I will never have another cigarette; what I can share with you is that I am beginning to notice more and more that I am within the consciousness of being a non-smoker, that my behaviors are changing, my attitudes and perceptions are changing, and that I am experiencing this process more consciously, more lovingly and compassionately than I have ever experienced any other process in my life.
The craving for our drug of choice, be it alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, anger, chaos, whatever our addiction, keeps us from noticing the loop. We usually submit to the craving before we go deeply enough into the process to see the pattern of the loop, the trap we have imprisoned ourselves within.
Iíve come to understand within my own personal experience of this that my trap was the fear of fully experiencing life. I had created the loop of my addiction to cover over my creative possibility because it had not found acceptance within my family. I was afraid to be within the fullness of my creative potential, because most of my memories of expressing my potential were of rejection, and I had taken that rejection as a personal rejection of myself, all of me. I had gone through life afraid to be the beauty that I held in my heart, and to express the images that I saw so clearly within my inner vision. I had spent my life afraid of my power, because my memories of having exhibited that power as a child were memories of having that expression result in punishment and parental control. They were memories of being told that my behavior was not acceptable, and I could not as a child have the right to question the authority figures in my life. Therefore, I had learned at a very early age to not allow myself to be within my power. The funny thing about this is that as a result, I became forceful and I called it power. And that force was there because I had learned to embrace a belief that life was something I needed to survive, and that if I were to be present here at all, I must keep myself invincible, safe, and above all else, I must not allow myself to be vulnerable to those around me.
The more I wove my way through the intricacies of this pattern, the more clear I became of my denial mechanisms. With each day I began to feel stronger, and more authentically empowered. I realized that life is here to be experienced and expressed fully. Iím still working my way through this process; however, I am doing this work more consciously than I have ever worked before.
I'd like to leave you with this reflection as I close this article. The word recovery is a very appropriate name for this process. It is appropriate because we are recovering our unlimited possibility and potentiality from beneath the tangled web of addiction. The more we move ourselves regardless of where we find ourselves in any given moment; and, the more aware we become of our true beauty and nature, the less fearful we are of fully experiencing ourselves and expressing our possibility.
Update: When I wrote this article in 1996, I didn't realize how long a journey I had to travel. However, as of today, 2007, I am pleased to announce I am 6 years smoke-free!
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